


[MST] I'm No Bad Boy, I'm Katsura

by Yamanami Kei-ichirou 山南 敬一郎 (Ki_no_Shirayuki)



Series: 型染 — Katazome [2]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Characters Reading Fanfiction, Cultural References, Dark Comedy, Humor, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Japanese, M/M, MST3k-Style Riffing, Rants, Squick, Substance Abuse, Suicide Attempt, trust me it's not that dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-13
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-09-17 01:32:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9298250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ki_no_Shirayuki/pseuds/Yamanami%20Kei-ichirou%20%E5%B1%B1%E5%8D%97%20%E6%95%AC%E4%B8%80%E9%83%8E
Summary: Damn these punctuation mistakes. I'm running out of pills because of them.((In which Katsura gets to be the Straight Man))





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Gintama Fanfiction XboyxboyX](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5662120) by [Shantelleuchiha](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shantelleuchiha/pseuds/Shantelleuchiha). 



> ((If anyone's repulsed by Yamanami, keep in mind that he's _supposed_ to be unlikeable.))

**Yamanami:** There's no way you can get away now, young man!  
**Katsura:** I'm not young man, I'm Katsura!

_(Beat)_

**Elizabeth:** [Uh oh]  
**Katsura:** Oh well, now that I've blown my cover, you are free to do whatever you want with me, but remember this, bakufu's dog: even in death never should I allow you to interfere with the noble pursuit of purging the country of filthy extraterrestrial bastards!  
**Yamanami** : … WTF are you rambling about?  
**Katsura:** What, you aren't going to arrest me?  
**Yamanami:** Why should I?  
**Katsura:** Well, are you not from the Shinsengumi, and am I not the dangerous criminal you're looking for?  
**Yamanami:** Nope, I don't know who the hell you are.  
**Elizabeth:** _(faceboards)_  
**Yamanami:** Now look, _Katsura,_ why would a nice and noble gentleman like me arrest you and throw you in jail while I can help enlighten you about the wonders of literature instead? _(takes out laptop from nowhere and opens random fanfic)_ By exchanging opinions on this particular piece.  
**Katsura:** I'm not interested. Leave now.  
**Yamanami:** Nobody says no to literature and get away scot-free from me! Oh, you can't run, I locked all the doors and windows. Now sit the fuck down, or do you want me to arrest you and throw you in jail, _dangerous criminal_?  
**Elizabeth:** [What an asshole.]

* * *

 _(Katsura's POV)_  
**Yamanami:** This is gonna be interesting.  
**Katsura:** I swear to every single kami I did **not** write this! This was just somebody else inventing a narrative from (what they assume to be) my point of view! I'm not unfamiliar with this kind of work, many books about historical events and real people are written this way too.  
**Yamanami:** Since you said so, let's see how you'd react to this, shall we?  
**Katsura:** _(sighs)_ Please do.

 _I woke up with a smile on my face because today I'm feeling extremely horny and I feel like being a bad boy._  
**Katsura:** I'm not horny, I'm Katsura… Well, it's not that I'm not a sexual being, but whenever the need arise, I sure as hell won't put it like this.  
**Yamanami:** _(holds up a small notebook)_ Even in your diary?  
**Katsura:** Yes, even in my… what the, you read my diary?  
**Yamanami:** _(flicks through the notebook)_ You write vertical in your journal? Beautiful handwriting too…  
**Katsura:** Why thank you, it was all thanks to my late teacher, but that still doesn't give you permission to read my diary!  
**Yamanami:** Nonsense! As the herald of a new age in the history of literature, it is my duty to inspect every single piece of writing this world has to offer! I must say you are a truly gifted writer, though I haven't actually read what you wrote about. Your handwriting is extraordinary though.  
**Katsura:** …

 _I got up quickly and took a shower, which was completely a bad idea because of the sexy ideas going on through my head while I was in there. I managed to hold out though. I then turned on cold water to null my problem. I can't do anything till I see him. I had to repeat this to myself over and over._  
**Katsura:** I don't recall ever repeating "this, this, this" to myself over and over.  
**Yamanami:** Your voice repeating nothing at all is enough to guarantee a headache. _(takes pill)_  
**Elizabeth:** [Your Insane Troll Logic gives _me_ a headache.]  
**Yamanami:** You've been to TV Tropes?  
**Elizabeth:** [That's right, Sir-Since-I-Singlehandedly-Translated-the-Entire-Website-into-Japanese-I-Have-The-Right-] _(flips board)_ [To-Lord-Over-and-Bug-the-Hell-Out-of-Everybody-Else!]  
**Yamanami:** Can we be friends?  
**Elizabeth:** [Fuck no.]

 _After I got done I quickly dried off and only put on my Kimono_  
**Katsura:** _(goes into rant mode)_ What about my _nagajuban_? Nobody "only" puts on a kimono without first putting on the _juban_ \- unless it's a yukata, in which case I'd say, " **call** it a yukata for kami's sakes!" - if they don't want their laundry cost to go up, especially a Joui leader like me who needs to spend money on, you know, Joui activities. And that's not to mention all the other things that come with my kimono like the  _datejime_ and _koshihimo_ and _obi_ and _haori_ and _tabi._  
**Yamanami:** "Got done"? Who the fuck says that?

 _and left the house. Leaving Elizabeth still asleep._  
**Katsura:** "and quickly felt ashamed of myself as that meant I didn't announce my departure like any good Japanese person would."  
**Yamanami:** The last four words should not be a standalone sentence at all!

 _I soon reached Gin's house_  
**Katsura:** He's not Gin, he's Gintoki!

 _and knocked on the door my hair still wet and strands in my face which added on to my lustfullness._  
**Katsura:** _(full-on rage)_ Like hell I'd commit such atrocities to my kimono!  
**Yamanami:** This author put an  unnecessary full stop in one instance and forgot to put one altogether in another! Oh crap, I forgot to bring more pills… Also, "lustfullness"… like I'd ever forgive that extra "l"…  
**Elizabeth:** [But is there no such thing as spelling in Japanese?]  
**Yamanami:** But the story is in English… yet we can still understand everything… But… argh… where are my pills? _(collapses to the floor in pain)_  
**Elizabeth:** _(is holding Yamanami's pills hostage)_  [Yes!]  
**Katsura:** Look, but in Japanese one can still use the wrong kana, forget to put a _dakuten,_ a small _tsu_ or a long vowel mark where they belong, use the wrong kanji…  
**Yamanami:** That's right! Why didn't I think of that? _(sits back on the sofa)_  
**Elizabeth:** [Katsura-san, you're an idiot.]

 _The door opened and a sleepy Gintoki was there but soon went wide eyed and smirked at my sight. "Come inside."_  
**Yamanami:** Full stops are not decorations, author! Put one before a quotation where a comma belongs again and my head will explode. _(snatches bottle of pills from Elizabeth's wing and takes one)_  
**Katsura:** Oh every single deity out there, make that a reality!  
**Elizabeth:** [If not for your inadvertently saving his ass earlier, I'd have made it a reality.]

 _I gladly walked inside ready for what was about to go down._  
**Katsura:** "and quickly felt ashamed of myself for not saying, "May I come in?" and leaving my footwear at the door LIKE ANY GOOD JAPANESE PERSON WOULD!"

 _I soon found myself pinned to the wall harshly and my eyes met with Gintoki's._  
**Katsura:** Nobody pins me to the wall without first asking for my permission and gets away with it afterwards, including Takasugi!

 _It made me scared a little but mostly excited. "Do you know what time it is?" He asked me._  
**Katsura:** The dawn of Japan!

 _I smiled innocently knowing that it wasn't the normal time that Gintoki wakes up. He usually wakes up much later. "Morning time I answered."_  
**Yamanami:** Either you really said "I answered", or the author put that quotation mark where it doesn't belong.  
**Katsura:** As strange as it sounds, this one I actually agree with you.

 _He squeezed my wrist which made me moan a little._  
**Katsura:** So my wrist was my cock now?

 _"You know what time I like to wake up." He snarled angrily._  
**Katsura:** Everyone in your neighborhood does.

 _I held in my second moan. Then he leaned in towards me. "You've been a very bad boy. How do you think I should punish you?" He whispered-spoke into my ear._  
**Katsura:** Right, he thought I'm a "bad boy" not because I had bad manners but because I visited him early? That's… so him, actually. Besides… I'M NOT A BAD BOY, I'M KATSURA!  
**Yamanami:** "Whispered-spoke"? Either "whispered" or "spoke"; choose one word and stick with it, damn it! Hyphen abusers make me sick. _(takes two pills and angrily chews on them)_

 _I whimpered. "But you'd just love that won't you? You'd love for me to fvck you right here in this living room wouldn't you?"_  
**Yamanami:** "Fvck"? What the fvck was that?

 _I moaned louder._  
**Katsura:** Make me answer something, damn it!  
**Elizabeth:** [Yeah, he's an idiot but no where as idiotic as this!]  
**Katsura:** You were saying?  
**Elizabeth:** [… Nothing.]  
**Yamanami:** Get back on topic plz.

 _"Of course you would you little slut."_  
**Katsura:** ""I'm not a little slut, I'm Katsura!" I protested, swatting him over his head full of unruly silver curls."

 _I whimpered out a cry_  
**Katsura:** … I didn't?

 _once I felt him knee my not to long since the shower hard on._  
**Katsura:** My what?

 _He led me to the couch and touched my thigh through the fabric and slowly slid it up to my dick then he slowly put his hands through the seams of the Kimono_  
**Katsura:** He fucking **tore** it!  
**Yamanami:** Shoulda changed those two "slowly" into "lowly."

_and touched my bare skin. I moaned some more. "G-gin-kun..." I managed to say._

_He licked and bit my earlobe then he seductively whispered to me. "Aren't you a wild cat."_  
**Yamanami:** A QUESTION MARK. Where the hell is it. Are you kidding me. Where are my pills.

 _He then stripped from his clothing. I looked at his body and instantly blushed once I saw his dick. It was so big. I wandered the first time we did this 'is that really going into me?' Now I can't get enough of it._  
**Katsura:** I don't think I have enough time to wander around contemplating sex when I could spend that much time planning a campaign to rid Earth of aliens once and for all instead.

 _"You want this inside of you don't you?" He hovered over me._  
**Katsura:** Oh, I suppose that's what happens to you if you drink too much strawberry milk: you become so lightheaded you'll be able to levitate!  
**Yamanami:** Not a single comma where it belongs.

 _"Y-yes. I-I do. Please..." I moaned as he kept grinding into me causing me to pant. He then kissed me roughly and I kissed back eagerly and grinded against him. He growled and attacked my neck._  
**Katsura:** No no no no! I'll never try and persuade you to join Joui again, so don't snap my neck!

 _"Please what?"_  
**Katsura:** Please don't kill me!

 _He said as my kimono slid off of me, slowly, with out me having to do anything_  
**Katsura:** Without having to remove the _haori_ and untie the _obi_ and the _koshihimo_ underneath it? And I'm pretty sure that meant my _nagajuban_ was still on too, if I were wearing one! Well, to be honest, I did have sex still wearing my _nagajuban_ a couple of times. Stuffy as hell, had to get new ones after each time, but great nonetheless.  
**Yamanami:** Stop. Stop. Stop. We're discussing literature, not your sexual experiences!  
**Katsura:** Oh, you don't wanna talk about sex?  
**Elizabeth:** [I'm pretty sure he's never had sex, and he never will if he doesn't learn to be a little nicer.]

 _"Please, fvck me! Fvck me so hard! I deserve it. I deserve to be punished. Please Daddy!" I moaned out loudly._  
**Katsura:** … "Daddy"?  
**Yamanami:** … Still "fvck"?  
**Elizabeth:** [What you have seen cannot be unseen.]  
**Katsura:** I need a pill.  
**Yamanami:** Here you go, my boy.  
**Katsura:** I'm not your boy, I'm Katsura.  
**Yamanami:** Whatever.

 _He responded quickly by turning me over and quickly thrusting inside of me._  
**Katsura:** Wow wow wow, I said I won't bug you about Joui any more, so please lube up before taking me, will you?  
**Yamanami:** "Quickly" twice in the same sentence. Quickly, I need my pills. Quickly!  
**Katsura:** _(shoves four pills into Yamanami's mouth)_  
**Elizabeth:** [Why did you do that?]  
**Katsura:** Look, this is why _kaishakunin_ (one who beheads another person having just committed seppuku) exist: as much as I want this man dead, I would love to be spared of the sight of his death throes. If only I had my sword, he wouldn't be so lucky.

 _I moaned loudly. "Aah!" Gin-kun likes it when I call him Daddy when were doing out activities._  
**Katsura:** I don't call anybody "Daddy" except my own daddy, who is dead, so…  
**Yamanami:** "Out activities." Can you say "Rouge Angles of Satin"?

 _It makes him feel more dominant._  
**Yamanami:** CHOOSE A TENSE _(takes pill)_ AND STICK WITH IT!

_He started sucking my neck really hard leaving bruised hickies all over me and he kept thrusting._

_Each thrust was a more louder moan._  
**Yamanami:** More louder. MORE LOUDER.

 _"Nng. G-d-daddy!" I moaned some more. I went to touch myself but he slapped my hand a way._  
**Yamanami:** A way. A WAY.

 _"Remember, Katsura. You've been bad. You can't pleasure yourself. It's a part of your punishment._  
**Yamanami:** And you, author, have been bad because you forgot a quotation mark.  
**Katsura:** What's up with his habit of calling me "Zura"? Not that I _like_ being called that whatsoever, but…

 _He then pulled out of me and turned me over and we started to kiss once again. Our lips locked and tongues colliding. I wrapped my legs around him and he entered me again in this position while my arms around his neck as well._  
**Yamanami:** _(muffled from a handful of pills)_ And now the author decided to go all out and forget about the verb "to be" this time.  
**Elizabeth:** [In Japanese,]  
**Katsura:** … that would roughly equal _desu_ です.  
**Elizabeth:** [Not again?!]

 _Still kissing we moved to his bed room and he laid me down. "On your knees, all fours!" He ordered and I quickly obeyed._  
**Katsura:** Who was the other's former superior here? Like hell I'd ever submit to Gintoki so easily like that.

 _Without warning he went inside me again an hit a certain pleasurable spot. "Holy-" I began to say then clenched to the bed sheets. "Please faster, harder. Turn my ass into a smoked ham."_  
**Katsura:**   _(freaked out)_ … Wow, I'd rather you were my _kaishakunin_ , that would've been much **less** squicky!  
**Yamanami:** You know "squick"? Great, you're on your way to becoming my true apprentice!  
**Katsura:** Shut up!

_I begged and he went harder and faster in that same spot. He then started moaning himself._

_"God, Katsura, your so warm!" He kept going and going and banging the living daylights out of me, while in so into it he cummed._  
**All three:** _(facepalm)_

 _We both let out a loud moan. After he got done he got out of me_  
**Yamanami:** As I _got_ five pills all down my throat.

_and he stood up. I looked up at him whimpering at the problem that he left with me._

_He then got his hand_  
**Yamanami:** What did this author have against the word "get"?  
**Katsura:** Did his hand get lopped off?

 _and quickly pumped me. That didn't go by quiet. I was a moaning mess. I couldn't help but say "Gin-kun." As he kept going. I soon cummed and he took some of it in his fingers and rubbed it on his dick which was now hard again._  
**Katsura:** … That was fast.

 _He told me to get on just my knees and to open my mouth. When I did he soon thrusted himself into my mouth._  
**Katsura:** He was going ass-to-mouth on me… _(disappears into the back room) (dashes out in seppuku garb)_ Here Elizabeth, take this sword and behead me as soon as I let out the first sound of agony…  
**Elizabeth:** [Snap out of it!] _(disappears with Katsura into the back room) (re-appears with Katsura in his normal get-up again)_  
**Yamanami:** "Thrusted"… and the word "mouth" is repeated twice…  
**Elizabeth:** [YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD!]

 _I began to suck. "Ah- Katsura!" He started to groan. "S-shit". He pulled my hair and pushed me down as I kept sucking. His too hit the back of my throat which made me tear up. I loved the roughness though. Every bit of it. He then cummed again and told me to lick all of it up. I did as told._  
**Elizabeth:** [Don't you **dare** ask me to be your _kaishakunin_ again.]  
**Katsura:** You know what, I think I'm starting to get used to all the squick now.  
**Elizabeth:** [Good, now can you please behead me instead?]  
**Katsura:** …

 _We then both laid down in the covers._  
**Katsura:** If I'm not mistaken…

 _I then whispered in to Gin-kun's ear, "Ohyou."_  
**Katsura:** Oh, still one more sentence to go, though I don't recall ever calling Gintoki a leopard. He looks much closer to an albino lion.  
**Yamanami:** "In to." _(searches for pills)_  
**Elizabeth:** [They've already run out.]  
**Yamanami:** Shit.

 _~end._  
**Katsura:** Can you leave us in peace now?  
**Yamanami:** I'll return for more lessons soon.  
**Katsura:** _(gives him a time bomb before sprinting off with Elizabeth)_

**Author's Note:**

> TV Tropes _does not_ have a Japanese site. Don't bother looking for it or - le gasp - _translate_ the English site.


End file.
